“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” - RuPaul - - - - - - - - - - - “if by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people -- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties -- someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal.” - John F. Kennedy - - - - - - - - - - - - “Imagine finding someone you love more than anything in the world, who you would risk your life for but couldn’t marry. And you couldn’t have that special day the way your friends do – you know, wear the ring on your finger and have it mean the same thing as everybody else. Just put yourself in that person’s shoes. It makes me feel sick to my stomach …. When I shared a picture of my tattoo on my Twitter page and said, ‘ALL LOVE is equal,’ a lot of people mocked me – they said, ‘What happened to you? You used to be a Christian girl!’ And I said, ‘Well, if you were a true Christian, you would have your facts straight. Christianity is about love.’ The debate resulted in a lot of threats and hate mail to people who agreed and disagreed with me. At one point I had to say, ‘Dude, everyone lay off.’ Can’t people have friendly debates about sensitive topics without it turning into unnecessary threats?” - Pop star Miley Cyrus on her marriage equality tattoo - - - - - - - - - - -
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Thursday, February 13, 2014

How to Behave Around Your Gay Teammate in the Locker Room

Seriously folks. Get it together.  More often than not, us "Gay" boys are probably not interested in you or how you look anyway. LOL. Well...... unless you look like Zac Efron. haha.

by John Loos
 
Hey, you. Yeah, you. Elite athlete making millions of dollars playing football for the NFL. I know you're concerned about the upcoming season now that Michael Sam, the star defensive lineman from Mizzou who's a top NFL prospect, just came out as gay.


OH MY GOD WHAT IF HE LOOKS AT YOUR JUNK?!

Clearly, this is the most terrifying thing a modern-day gladiator like yourself faces at your job. Not a 300-pound mountain of muscle chasing you down, not a cataclysmic spinal injury, not the constant threat of brain damage.

No.

The minute chance of a split-second side eye glance from another man who may, in his private life, be naked with his boyfriend, is clearly far more stressful.

But have no fear! I was a closeted gay athlete in high school (a defensive lineman, like Michael Sam!), so I know a thing or two about navigating a locker room. I know, for instance, any fear you may have of being checked out by a gay teammate is nothing compared to the constant fear a closeted athlete has of being discovered/ridiculed/punched in the face by a bigoted teammate.

To help you through the next NFL season, here is a handy guide to how to behave in a locker room where a gay man may be present.

So, you know, like ANY OTHER LOCKER ROOM IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND EVER.

Step 1: Acknowledge your gay teammate

Say hello. Say "nice game." Perhaps give him a compliment on a tackle, or a catch, or a great run. Maybe throw in a high-five or, if that is too uncomfortable for you (it shouldn't be), give any another indication that you're happy he's on your team, even if he plays for a different team off the field.

Step 2: Acknowledge that he's human

Ask a question about his life. How's his family? His partner? Talk about shared interests (Yes! You likely have shared interests with this homosexual human!) If you don't know what this person likes, ask. Or talk about the weather! Or Beyoncé! Not because he's gay, but because everyone, gay straight, male or female, Madagascan village elders or Inuit whale hunters, has something to say about Beyoncé. She's the universal conversation starter.

Step 3: Get undressed

Because you just spent two hours playing in the mud and dirt, and it's a locker room and you're an adult -- and get over yourself and seriously -- you have to change out of your uniform. You smell like shit.

Step 4: Realize at this point, you're looking at your gay teammate more than he's looking at you

Why is he not looking at you? You're attractive! You work out! Are you not his type? Maybe he's only into punters. Oh my God, it's almost as if your teammate is concentrating on getting cleaned up and getting home to his life, just like you were supposed to be before you got preoccupied with checking him out to see if he's checking you out.

Step 5: Do your usual stealth glances of other naked teammates

Because straight men size each other up all the time in locker rooms. But it's from a place of competition, which is far more acceptable for some reason. Bros bein' bros, etc.

Step 6: Realize at this point, you're being paid millions of dollars to exist on this team with this gay person, so you'll survive somehow

At the absolute worst, this teammate finds you attractive and has a moment of weakness and lets one little glance slip that you catch, and you notice because you're (of course) already staring at him. Now you know how the thousands upon thousands of breasts you've stared at slack-jawed in your lifetime feel. Congratulations, Margaret, you've just become a woman!

Step 7: Count the number of half-naked teammates around you and divide by 10

That's how many actually are gay, whether they've stated it publicly or not. And they've been there all along, since you started playing football in high school, and somehow you're still alive and unscathed and making millions of dollars.

Step 8: Shower

Because, again, you smell. If your gay teammate is showering at the same time, kudos to you for noticing he walked into the showers. Why are you watching him so closely, anyway? Seriously, are you cruising him?

Step 9: Dress, go home

And play with the piles of money you've earned from somehow being brave and manly enough to put on skin-tight capri pants, a jock strap and give other grown men really aggressive hugs and wrestle them to the ground.

This article originally appeared on The Second City Network and on Huffpost Gay Voices.

1 comment:

Ryan said...

Great article my love! Too funny! Love you bunches.

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