Millions Irrationally Feared Dead After Train Derails

After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films

According to ONN's Star Fix, Warner Bros. will re-cut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.

Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow In Hopes She'll Put Nation In Her Will

President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many Americans think otherwise.

Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"

Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.

The Onion News Update: Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

The Onion News Update: Small Town Throws Pride Parade For Only Gay Resident

WONN5 reports that hundreds turned out to support Pennington's single gay resident Paul Webster.

The Onion News Update: Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held

This is too hilarious for words. I'm sorry, but for those of you who think these segments are real, get a life. They are a joke, provided by The Onion.

Today Now's Jim Haggerty attends the annual Valentine's Day stoning, which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere.

The Onion News Update: Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.

The Onion News Update: Social Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are Dead

A new scam preys on the elderly by informing them they have died and instructing them to reroute their social security checks to the "Department of the Dead."