Cyanide and Happiness: Big Bad Wolf

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 25

Go get your gun.  Seriously.  After you take a look at today's issue of "Foods That Will Make You Fat", you will wish you had one, or use the one you got.

I'm going to say this only once.  That bitch, Paula Dean needs to go to prison.  She is going to kill everyone on this planet with her recipe ideas.  She's the reason we have all these idiots coming up with these insane concoctions.  Lady's Brunch Burger, really?

Lady's Brunch Burger

She's become a star on the Food Network and has been responsible for millions of lives.  This bitch needs to go to prison.  Her name is Paula Dean.  Okay, so I lied, I said it twice.  This woman who introduced us to heart attacks and strokes at an early age is not your average mother or grandmother.  Look at that yummy sandwich up there, isn't that a sandwich fit for a Lady?  Hell NO!  A lady wouldn't touch that if she had an ounce of class left in her.  A hamburger patty topped with a fried egg & bacon, in-between 2 Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Are you kidding me? Does it make your mouth water? Ugh.. I'm done with her.

Surprise Cake

Doesn't this cake look delicious!  It looks like a yummy pineapple upside down cake, doesn't it?  Zoom in a little closer....  yeah, you see what I see!!!  SHRIMP and PIGGIES!   It's 2 layers of yellow cake with a sweet mayo frosting covered in ham and topped with shrimp, pineapple, mandarin oranges and a cherry.  The only good thing about this hot mess of cake..... it's only made in Sweden.  Supposedly it's very popular on kid's birthdays over there.  Now I don't know which country's worse.  And it's not called a surprise cake, it's called a Smorgastarta aka shrimp and ham cake.

The Atlanta Exit Wound

This is when you get your gun.  Do it now, because when I tell you what's in this hot mess of a pot, you will die regardless.  The bottle of hot sauce I can deal with, but when you say 4 packages of cream cheese, a bottle of blue cheese dressing (yes, a whole bottle), and 6 chopped chicken breasts, I.....

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 19

Trust me, it's not easy writing about Foods That Will Make You Fat, but I feel it's something I should do. Really, it is. 

I mean, how else are you going to see what's causing you an early death? If anything, I'll keep you from creating these monstrosities!

Seriously, some of these foods will have you skip breakfast, lunch and dinner altogether!  You'll be on the Tic-Tac diet sooner than you think.

Flapjack Fiasco

Let's play read along... pancake; cookie dough; pancake; peanut butter and jelly; pancake; chocolate and bananas; pancake; caramel, oreo, marshmallow, sprinkles, M&M’s; pancake; caramel buttercream frosting granished with Trix cereal.  Geezus! I gained 5 pounds just by reading all the crap that's in this hot mess of a meal. Yep, breakfast skipped this morning.

The Meat Baby

Awww, a cutsie, wootsie baby.  NO!  A MEAT BABY!  Really?  What the hell will people come up with next?  This is not only disgusting, its just plain fucking wrong.  Why on earth would someone want to create a meatloaf of a baby?  And using bacon as a diaper nonetheless!  There is some serious Silence of the Lambs craziness going on here.  Lunch skipped.

Fool's Gold Loaf Sandwich

Loaf of hollowed out bread filled with creamy peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and a pound of bacon.  Did you get that?  A POUND of bacon!  Yes, someone out there is making this delicious meal right now.  I don't have the statistics, but I'm going to say every 30 seconds one of these is made around the world.  I'm done!  Ryan, forget about dinner tonight.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 17

We continue with another fabulous issue of "Foods That Will Make You Fat".  And in today's issue you will have the joy of checking out three fabulous meals that will convince you to jump off a ship, or throw yourself in front of moving vehicle; Going at a very high speed of course. LOL

Fat Circus Waffle

Seriously, if you want Captain Crunch, Ice Cream or A Waffle, why can't you just eat a serving of one product for breakfast?  Do you really need all three of these high-carb, diabetes-inducing, heart-stopping crap right before you head into work or school?  And you can't forget the chocolate sauce and sprinkles. Can't forget the sprinkles!

In'N'Out "animal style" Fries

I'm about to barf just watching this hot mess.  Ugh. that's disgusting! I can't even look at the picture as I type this.  All I'm going to say is it looks like some type of Sloppy Joe mixture, with cheese, french fries and some "special sauce".  That is just nasty.

Bacon-wrapped Meatloaf

We can never be done with bacon, everybody loves that shit. From bacon bits to bacon-wrapped Jalapenos; Bacon is the meat of the decade.  But never in my wildest dreams did I ever think of making a meatloaf with macaroni and cheese in the middle, and with bacon wrapped all around it.  If you don't have a heart-attack after eating this mess, then you must be doing something right.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 16

Go ahead, as yourself, "Why the hell am I fat?"  Oh.... because you just finished eating a MoFo "Meat Ship!"  As if any of my previous issues of "Foods That Will Make You Fat" are any different.  Once again, here's the next issue of foods that will make you barf.  Seriously, I could title this series many different ways.

Baconnaise

Okay, first things first, anyone who would buy this jar of crap is out of a job and hurting for some real hard-earned bacon (cash).  The economy must have hit them real hard, otherwise they'd be out buying some Grey Poupon.  Hell, I'd be buying me some dollar store mayonnaise before I touched a spoon of this shit. Make me barf now!

Chicago Deep Dish Pizza

Ahhh, the sound of a Dominoes Deep Dish pizza sounds real good right about now.  Scratch that!  After taking a look at this disgusting picture I don't think I ever want to see a pizza again!  OMG, they might as well have called this the heart-attack pizza.

Meat Ship

Anything that would have 20 sausages, 48 slices of bacon, 1.2 lbs of sausage meat, 1kg of pork mince, 10 franks, 1 lb. of pastry, 1 onion, 1 mushroom, 2 packets of chipolata sausages, various food colourings, and some sage has got to be out of their fucking mind!  Seriously, they outta lock you up and throw away the key.  A meat ship? Really? That is unbelievably disgusting!  If this doesn't put you on a diet, I don't know what will.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 15

I don't even know where to begin with today's issue of "Foods That Will Make You Fat."  Geez, really?  What the hell? Do people actually eat this crap?  I've been asking myself this same question for the past 13 issues, and I still can't get an answer.  All I know is, people have issues.

The Cornhole

How does one eat a cornhole?  Really?  How on God's green earth do I eat this thing?  Am I supposed to eat it from the outside in?  I don't give a shit, it's disgusting!  Not sure what all it consists of, but from what I can see, it looks like a corn on the cob, some hot dogs, cheese and some type of meat loaf breading around it.  Yeah, this will make you fat.

The Bacon Mug

Anyone who has the time to make a mug out of bacon has got too much on their hands.  Are people actually getting paid to make this thing?  I'm not even going to ask what the hell is in that mug.

Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheddar Burgers

I'm going to say that Krispy Kreme is in no way responsible for this mess, because if they are, you have every right to sue their asses. Let's see...you have a glazed doughnut, which has a gazillion calories and fat, a thick beef patty, fried bacon and some cheesy cheddar cheese.  Yeah, it's a hot mess, if you ask me.