Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 27

Where do I even begin with this week's issue of "Foods That Will Make You Fat"?  I guess we can start with the delicious Sushi everybody loves.  And I'm not talking about the healthy Japanese ones you guys enjoy.  This one is "All-American".

Thanksgiving Sushi

Are you tired of making potpies with all your Thanksgiving leftovers?  Well, tire no more, this lovely recipe will have you eating Japanese sushi - American style.  Yep, this lovely concoction has green beans, roasted turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, garlic and brown gravy.  Doesn't this just want to make you go out and buy all the ingredients?  I'm going to say, probably not.

Downside Watson

So after you and the family are done playing with your frisbee, why not take it inside and throw in 7 scoops of ice cream (vanilla, coffee Oreo, PB Reese’s, white Russian, mint Oreo, cherry vanilla, and reverse chocolate chip), 9 toppings (Oreos, Heath bar, hot fudge, whipped cream, Reese’s Pieces, mixed nuts, waffle pieces, rainbow sprinkles, and almonds) and feast on it?  Seriously, who would eat this crap?

Pecanless Pie

If you thought I was done with Thanksgiving you were wrong.  What's Thanksgiving dinner without a yummy pecan pie?  Honestly, why do they even call it a Pecanless pie?  It doesn't even have pecans or any type of  nut in it.  The damn pie is made with Fritos Corn Chips!  Can I go throw up now?

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT! 

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 26

So here we are again - I'm about to re-instate my most beloved series, "Foods That Will Make You Fat", and today's issue will have you bewildered.   

Who on God's green earth makes a Nacho Pizza Cake?  And this Easter Sundae would make the Lord turn over in his grave.  Oh wait...

Easter Sundae

So yeah, Jesus has already left the building, but he wouldn't be too happy with this concoction.  OMG, this is the most disgusting thing I've ever posted on my series.  Seriously.   This lovely parfait consists of a chocolate fondue drizzled over egg, turkey, gravy, crab leg and chicken nuggets.  So now you know what to do with all those frozen Thanksgiving left overs!
 

Death Sausage

If you want to die early, eat a few of these.  They're sure to make you have a heart attack or stroke.  This lovely piece of meat consists of 3 pounds of ground beef, 2 pounds country sausage, 2 pounds smoked bacon, 1 pound andouille sausage, 1 pound chicken strips, and 4 regular size hotdogs, seasoned with various sauces and spices such as BBQ sauce, baconnaise, and bacon flavored seasoning salt.  So, have you died and gone to heaven already?  Lord knows you have a sundae up there you can make for dessert.

Nacho Pizza Cake

I don't even know where to start with this crap. But I'm going to say there's some type of frosting, pancakes, syrup or cheese, and some Tostitos in this lovely, hot mess.

Oh no!  I think I just figured it out!  I bet you it's a meat-lovers pizza covered with the cinna-stix glaze. O-kay, I've had enough.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT! 

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 25

Go get your gun.  Seriously.  After you take a look at today's issue of "Foods That Will Make You Fat", you will wish you had one, or use the one you got.

I'm going to say this only once.  That bitch, Paula Dean needs to go to prison.  She is going to kill everyone on this planet with her recipe ideas.  She's the reason we have all these idiots coming up with these insane concoctions.  Lady's Brunch Burger, really?

Lady's Brunch Burger

She's become a star on the Food Network and has been responsible for millions of lives.  This bitch needs to go to prison.  Her name is Paula Dean.  Okay, so I lied, I said it twice.  This woman who introduced us to heart attacks and strokes at an early age is not your average mother or grandmother.  Look at that yummy sandwich up there, isn't that a sandwich fit for a Lady?  Hell NO!  A lady wouldn't touch that if she had an ounce of class left in her.  A hamburger patty topped with a fried egg & bacon, in-between 2 Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Are you kidding me? Does it make your mouth water? Ugh.. I'm done with her.

Surprise Cake

Doesn't this cake look delicious!  It looks like a yummy pineapple upside down cake, doesn't it?  Zoom in a little closer....  yeah, you see what I see!!!  SHRIMP and PIGGIES!   It's 2 layers of yellow cake with a sweet mayo frosting covered in ham and topped with shrimp, pineapple, mandarin oranges and a cherry.  The only good thing about this hot mess of cake..... it's only made in Sweden.  Supposedly it's very popular on kid's birthdays over there.  Now I don't know which country's worse.  And it's not called a surprise cake, it's called a Smorgastarta aka shrimp and ham cake.

The Atlanta Exit Wound

This is when you get your gun.  Do it now, because when I tell you what's in this hot mess of a pot, you will die regardless.  The bottle of hot sauce I can deal with, but when you say 4 packages of cream cheese, a bottle of blue cheese dressing (yes, a whole bottle), and 6 chopped chicken breasts, I.....

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 24

Lord have mercy on my soul.  Please forgive me!  I only post this weekly segment, because I want to showcase everyone's creative ideas in the kitchen. Honest! 

I mean, where would we be without our "Porkgasms", "The Spamsicle", "The Fat Koko", "The Thunderdome", and "The Meat Baby"?

Oh. I know. In hell!!!

The Fat Monkey

After you eat this crap, YOU WILL be a Fat Monkey.  If the two slices of chocolate chip banana bread weren't enough, you've gone ahead and added layers of Nutella, bananas and marshmallow creme.  And you don't stop there.  You decide to dip it in cake batter and deep fry it, because frying will add 200 more grams of FAT.  You see, this is usually where I stop.  But noooooooo, there's more....  You can't forget to dip it in melted chocolate and roll it in toasted almonds and coconut.  Shoot me now!

Grease Lightning

Yum, I've always wanted to make this dish..  I'm lying.

Why the hell would I go to Jack In The Box and buy an order of curly fries, head to McDonald's and buy a box of chicken nuggets, drive to Furr's to buy a chicken fried steak, stop by Sonic to buy a corn dog, and  park myself at Wal-Mart to get some pizza rolls?  Why? Why would I do such a ridiculous thing?  Because I want to make that fabulous dish, up there?  NO, because I want to kill myself by adding even more ingredients, like chili, bacon and sliced hot dogs.

The Sexy 'Smore

Doesn't this dessert look utterly delicious?  Look at all that raspberry jam oozing out of that graham cracker sandwich filled with peanut butter, marshmallows and milk chocolate.  You achieve this by microwaving the ingredients until the fillings reach a liquid consistency.  Unless you live in South Texas, where you can just leave it on the counter until it eventually melts.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 23

Are people really this stupid?  Oh wait!

Sorry, wrong segment.  This is about Foods That Will Make You Fat, Right?

You're probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me, but after witnessing a Porkgasm for the first time, I absolutely lost it.  I couldn't remember whether I was coming or going.  Seriously, who comes up with these terrible concoctions?  Is it a sin to eat these type of foods?  Or is it a sin to overindulge yourself with food? I forget.

The Porkgasm

Shoot me now!  No. Really.  I don't even know what to say about this hot mess of a recipe.  The piggy above consists of bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage, wrapped in bacon and roasted. Oh, and you can't forget the garnish, chili peppers for the ears and tail - the only fat free thing on this god-forsaken plate.  And what the hell is bacon sausage?

Egg n' Ham Sammich

Awww, why don't we give this horrible sandwich a cute little name like "sammich."  Really?  What idiot came up with this crazy mess?  And why would they use only 11 eggs and not a full dozen?  Whatever. This regular ham and cheese sandwich comes complete with 11 sunny-side up egg yolks, bread, ham and cheese.  Doesn't it look appetizing?

Bacon and Cheese Stuffed Pizza Burger

The Bacon and Cheese Stuffed Pizza Burger consists of the following: two sausage and pepperoni pizzas (serving as the bun), a 5-pound hamburger patty, two pounds of bacon, and two pounds cheese (plus an onion and two bulbs of garlic).  You think I'm kidding don't you?  You think I come up with all this crap on my own and just post it for laughs, right?  DAMMIT, YOU'RE WRONG!  Here's the other 9 pictures that preceded the one up above.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 22

I know all of you enjoy this particular segment.  Who doesn't want to know what other people are eating?  Who doesn't want to know what will surely cause them an early death?  Foods That Will Make You Fat, keeps you informed of all the latest trends in eatery.  Even though fast food restaurants are guilty of introducing us to ridiculous concoctions, most of these foods are put together by regular folks like you and me.  What drives one to create a hot mess of a recipe?

The Pizza Cone

This crazy idea gained popularity in Brazil, Portugal, and Italy, when a banker thought it would be a brilliant idea to introduce it to the fattest country in the world.  Did you hear that?  The fattest country in the world!  People are so excited that some are saying "You can totally walk with it, and you don't have the oil dripping all over you."  Key words: Oil and Dripping.  I guess it isn't such a crazy idea, it's a hit in Manhattan, New York.

The Fat Elvis

Really?  We all know Elvis was fat in his later years, but do we need to be reminded why he died.  I mean... this sandwich is stuffed with butter, peanut butter, bananas, bacon, honey and confectioner's sugar.  Not only will you become diabetic, but you'll collapse while cooking this shit.

The Spamsicle

Who the hell created this monstrosity?  Seriously? If I wanted some type of "sicle" in my menu, it definitely wouldn't be a deep fried piece of processed meat.  And with the beaten eggs, seasoned flour, and Japanese bread crumbs added you'll have enough carbs to last for the rest of year, if not your life.  So much for your Atkins diet.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 21

Can you believe I've posted 21 issues of "Foods That Will Make You Fat"?  It seems like just yesterday when I started this series.  I wonder how many of you have changed their eating habits over the past several months.  I know I have.  I'm currently on the TicTac diet.

Just kidding.  I'm not on no diet, but I am making a better judgement on my food choices and trying to eat healthier.  Trust me, if you were to eat half the crap I post on this site, you wouldn't be alive today.

Cheesy Mac n Rib

What more could you ask for in a cheesy sandwich?  In this delicious sandwich you have your 2 oz of unsalted butter, 1-1/2 oz. of Mayonaise, 1 cup of your favorite macaroni & cheese recipe, 1/4 of small onion cut into 1/4 strips, 2 teaspoons of butter (regular butter this time), 1/2 cup of pulled piggie meat, 1/4 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce and 3 slices of sharp cheddar cheese.  Oh and I forgot the 2 slices of buttermilk bread. 'Nuff said.

Fried Chicken Skin

When I first read about this, I almost threw up.  Who in their right mind would eat this crap? Really?  You know what - scratch that.  I vividly remember my sister loving to eat the skin off the chicken.  Then again.... we do eat it when we have fried chicken, don't we?  So why not sell it by itself, right?  Don't worry, KFC will have it available in a sandwich soon.

The Fat Koko

Look at that sandwich, what can you see?  Honestly, all I can see is bread, maybe roast beef, and fries possibly.  Well... it actually comes with a bread roll, cheesesteak, mozzarella sticks, french fries, and hot sauce.  Seriously, how can anyone bite into this? Look at the girth on that sandwich.  Geez.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 20

I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or scream "STOP!" while searching for today's Foods That Will Make You Fat.  I came across these ridiculous concoctions that made me laugh, and quite frankly I thought I had lost it.  LOL.

What makes people come up with these ideas is beyond me. I can't imagine sitting at my table writing a new recipe, and asking myself, "hmmm, I wonder what waffles, cheese and hamburger meat would taste like?"

The Thunderdome

Oh Lord Jesus, please help me.  Three stacks of bacon, sausage, elk meat, onions and cheese between tortillas all topped with sour cream, two fried eggs and scallions.  Elk meat? Really?  I feel sorry for the poor animal that died just to be made into this pile of hot mess!

Hot Beef Sundae

I honestly don't want to know, but it looks like roast beef, mashed potatoes, cheese, and a cherry tomato on top.  And who knows what else is underneath that pile of crap.  OMG! That is so disgusting!  I guess this gives a whole new meaning to the popular side, "Loaded Mashed Potatoes".

Cheeseburger Waffles

You thought I was kidding when I wrote my piece up at the top, didn't you?  But seriously?  Why would you take my Eggo and do this to it?  I want syrup, not cheddar cheese and ground beef smothered all on top of it.  The least you could have done was add bacon!

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 19

Trust me, it's not easy writing about Foods That Will Make You Fat, but I feel it's something I should do. Really, it is. 

I mean, how else are you going to see what's causing you an early death? If anything, I'll keep you from creating these monstrosities!

Seriously, some of these foods will have you skip breakfast, lunch and dinner altogether!  You'll be on the Tic-Tac diet sooner than you think.

Flapjack Fiasco

Let's play read along... pancake; cookie dough; pancake; peanut butter and jelly; pancake; chocolate and bananas; pancake; caramel, oreo, marshmallow, sprinkles, M&M’s; pancake; caramel buttercream frosting granished with Trix cereal.  Geezus! I gained 5 pounds just by reading all the crap that's in this hot mess of a meal. Yep, breakfast skipped this morning.

The Meat Baby

Awww, a cutsie, wootsie baby.  NO!  A MEAT BABY!  Really?  What the hell will people come up with next?  This is not only disgusting, its just plain fucking wrong.  Why on earth would someone want to create a meatloaf of a baby?  And using bacon as a diaper nonetheless!  There is some serious Silence of the Lambs craziness going on here.  Lunch skipped.

Fool's Gold Loaf Sandwich

Loaf of hollowed out bread filled with creamy peanut butter, a jar of grape jelly, and a pound of bacon.  Did you get that?  A POUND of bacon!  Yes, someone out there is making this delicious meal right now.  I don't have the statistics, but I'm going to say every 30 seconds one of these is made around the world.  I'm done!  Ryan, forget about dinner tonight.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 18

Ooooh, check out all the yummy goodness below.  Isn't your mouth salivating over these fine foods that will make you fat?  My tummy is screaming for them right now.  If it's not, you and your tummy have issues. 

I mean, who wouldn't want to eat something titled "Deep Fried Cheese-Stuffed Portabello Mushroom Cheeseburger"?

Ultimate Snack Stadium

Go ahead and call a doctor so that he can be on hand when I collapse on the floor from eating all those damn twinkies.  The stadium comes complete with Slim Jim goalposts, reservoirs of queso and salsa for the end zones, fans made from assorted snack foods and the stadium itself constructed from 58 Twinkies.

Deep Fried Cheese-Stuffed Portabello Mushroom Cheeseburger

Say that 5 times, quickly! Do it now! Geezus...  Who doesn't like anything stuffed?  I know you gay boys do :-) he he.  Seriously, it's true, you're not stuffed between two gorgeous guys like you dreamed it could be, instead you have a big ass mushroom stuffed with cheese, stuffed between two beef patties smothered in cheese, stuffed between a huge hamburger bun dripping with cheese.  It's a heart-clogging cheese galore!

Tater Tots with Cheese Extravaganza

Ahhhh, the lovely tater tots with cheese.  But these aren't you're regular "Sonic" tater tots with cheese, these are tots smothered in cheddar and mozarella cheeses, covered in Jalapeno's with bits of tomatoes and some black olives.  Throw on some sour cream and salsa, and you have you're next regurgitated meal!  Okay, I've had enough.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 17

We continue with another fabulous issue of "Foods That Will Make You Fat".  And in today's issue you will have the joy of checking out three fabulous meals that will convince you to jump off a ship, or throw yourself in front of moving vehicle; Going at a very high speed of course. LOL

Fat Circus Waffle

Seriously, if you want Captain Crunch, Ice Cream or A Waffle, why can't you just eat a serving of one product for breakfast?  Do you really need all three of these high-carb, diabetes-inducing, heart-stopping crap right before you head into work or school?  And you can't forget the chocolate sauce and sprinkles. Can't forget the sprinkles!

In'N'Out "animal style" Fries

I'm about to barf just watching this hot mess.  Ugh. that's disgusting! I can't even look at the picture as I type this.  All I'm going to say is it looks like some type of Sloppy Joe mixture, with cheese, french fries and some "special sauce".  That is just nasty.

Bacon-wrapped Meatloaf

We can never be done with bacon, everybody loves that shit. From bacon bits to bacon-wrapped Jalapenos; Bacon is the meat of the decade.  But never in my wildest dreams did I ever think of making a meatloaf with macaroni and cheese in the middle, and with bacon wrapped all around it.  If you don't have a heart-attack after eating this mess, then you must be doing something right.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 16

Go ahead, as yourself, "Why the hell am I fat?"  Oh.... because you just finished eating a MoFo "Meat Ship!"  As if any of my previous issues of "Foods That Will Make You Fat" are any different.  Once again, here's the next issue of foods that will make you barf.  Seriously, I could title this series many different ways.

Baconnaise

Okay, first things first, anyone who would buy this jar of crap is out of a job and hurting for some real hard-earned bacon (cash).  The economy must have hit them real hard, otherwise they'd be out buying some Grey Poupon.  Hell, I'd be buying me some dollar store mayonnaise before I touched a spoon of this shit. Make me barf now!

Chicago Deep Dish Pizza

Ahhh, the sound of a Dominoes Deep Dish pizza sounds real good right about now.  Scratch that!  After taking a look at this disgusting picture I don't think I ever want to see a pizza again!  OMG, they might as well have called this the heart-attack pizza.

Meat Ship

Anything that would have 20 sausages, 48 slices of bacon, 1.2 lbs of sausage meat, 1kg of pork mince, 10 franks, 1 lb. of pastry, 1 onion, 1 mushroom, 2 packets of chipolata sausages, various food colourings, and some sage has got to be out of their fucking mind!  Seriously, they outta lock you up and throw away the key.  A meat ship? Really? That is unbelievably disgusting!  If this doesn't put you on a diet, I don't know what will.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 15

I don't even know where to begin with today's issue of "Foods That Will Make You Fat."  Geez, really?  What the hell? Do people actually eat this crap?  I've been asking myself this same question for the past 13 issues, and I still can't get an answer.  All I know is, people have issues.

The Cornhole

How does one eat a cornhole?  Really?  How on God's green earth do I eat this thing?  Am I supposed to eat it from the outside in?  I don't give a shit, it's disgusting!  Not sure what all it consists of, but from what I can see, it looks like a corn on the cob, some hot dogs, cheese and some type of meat loaf breading around it.  Yeah, this will make you fat.

The Bacon Mug

Anyone who has the time to make a mug out of bacon has got too much on their hands.  Are people actually getting paid to make this thing?  I'm not even going to ask what the hell is in that mug.

Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheddar Burgers

I'm going to say that Krispy Kreme is in no way responsible for this mess, because if they are, you have every right to sue their asses. Let's see...you have a glazed doughnut, which has a gazillion calories and fat, a thick beef patty, fried bacon and some cheesy cheddar cheese.  Yeah, it's a hot mess, if you ask me.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 14

I've grappled with the title of this series since it's inception. I don't know, "Foods That Make You Cringe," just wasn't working for me.  While most of the food I was posting made me cringe, there were times I was posting foods people actually wanted to try.  So, without further adieu, I welcome you to my re-vamped series, "Foods That Will Make You Fat."  My favorite is the Tur-Bacon-uck-en.  Yeah, you try pronouncing that too.

Triple-Stack French Toast and Grilled Cheese Burger

I don't even know what to say about this sandwich.  It looks like it would stop one's heart from beating.  There was no description available, but it looks like it has bacon, cheese, ground beef,  and it looks like it could have egg, but not sure on that one. In either case, this will definitely make you fat.

Towering multi-stuffed Oreo

Just in case you don't know, the Oreo is the fattest cookie on the planet - that's mass produced anyway.  I'm sure we could make a cookie with a higher fat content if we tried.  Oh wait, someone already has.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Turbaconucken

Seriously? A chicken inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey, covered in Bacon?  Really?  Oh my lord, I'm sure this would be a great family favorite at Thanksgiving... if no one died of a stroke after the first bite!  You think this would make you fat?  I think so.  

For previous issues of "Foods That Will Make You Fat" click here.

 

Giving credit where credit is due, this series is based on the popular website and book of the same name, "This Why You're Fat."

Foods That Make You Cringe - Issue No. 13

I can't believe I'm posting another issue so soon, but I'm sorry, some people make the craziest shit, and I have to share it.  A corn dog pizza, really? Really?  Geez, let's take a look at this week's "Foods That Make You Cringe".

Corn Dog Pizza

A cheese pizza covered with corn dogs, nuff said.

Rubix Cubewich

Cubes of ham, salami and cheese form this rubix cube-shaped sandwich stack.

 

The Hurler Burger

Tempura fried bacon, triple burgers slathered in mayo and garnished with egg AND bacon, hoagies hollowed out to maximize the amount of peanut butter, grape jelly AND POUND of BACON that can be packed in. Nasty!

These images are a courtesy from the book, "This Is Why Your Fat," which only proves that people will eat the craziest crap.

Foods That Make You Cringe - Issue No. 12

LOL, why is it that it takes me almost a month to post an issue of, "Foods That Make You Cringe"?  I think it's because the food is either disgusting or too scrumptious for me to post each week.

Pulled Pork & Mashed Potato Parfait

Found online via Porky’s BBQ

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake

Found online via The Cheesecake Factory

The Corndog-Egg

Found online via Google

Foods That Make You Cringe - Issue No. 11

For my 11th issue of 'Foods That Make You Cringe,' we have three appealing cuisines you'd definitely want to try at home.  I can feel my mouth water already.

The Melt Challenge

Five pound grilled cheese with13 different cheeses, 3 slices of grilled bread served with french fries and slaw.

Chocolate Covered Twinkies

Deep Fried Milky Ways