What a Hot Mess: Deep Fried Octodog

OMG, what a hot mess!  I wouldn't touch this concoction with a ten foot pole!  Better yet, I wouldn't eat it if you gave me a million dollars.  Don't even ask me what ingredients are in it, because I don't know, nor do I want to.

Well.... maybe for a million.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 24

Lord have mercy on my soul.  Please forgive me!  I only post this weekly segment, because I want to showcase everyone's creative ideas in the kitchen. Honest! 

I mean, where would we be without our "Porkgasms", "The Spamsicle", "The Fat Koko", "The Thunderdome", and "The Meat Baby"?

Oh. I know. In hell!!!

The Fat Monkey

After you eat this crap, YOU WILL be a Fat Monkey.  If the two slices of chocolate chip banana bread weren't enough, you've gone ahead and added layers of Nutella, bananas and marshmallow creme.  And you don't stop there.  You decide to dip it in cake batter and deep fry it, because frying will add 200 more grams of FAT.  You see, this is usually where I stop.  But noooooooo, there's more....  You can't forget to dip it in melted chocolate and roll it in toasted almonds and coconut.  Shoot me now!

Grease Lightning

Yum, I've always wanted to make this dish..  I'm lying.

Why the hell would I go to Jack In The Box and buy an order of curly fries, head to McDonald's and buy a box of chicken nuggets, drive to Furr's to buy a chicken fried steak, stop by Sonic to buy a corn dog, and  park myself at Wal-Mart to get some pizza rolls?  Why? Why would I do such a ridiculous thing?  Because I want to make that fabulous dish, up there?  NO, because I want to kill myself by adding even more ingredients, like chili, bacon and sliced hot dogs.

The Sexy 'Smore

Doesn't this dessert look utterly delicious?  Look at all that raspberry jam oozing out of that graham cracker sandwich filled with peanut butter, marshmallows and milk chocolate.  You achieve this by microwaving the ingredients until the fillings reach a liquid consistency.  Unless you live in South Texas, where you can just leave it on the counter until it eventually melts.

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 22

I know all of you enjoy this particular segment.  Who doesn't want to know what other people are eating?  Who doesn't want to know what will surely cause them an early death?  Foods That Will Make You Fat, keeps you informed of all the latest trends in eatery.  Even though fast food restaurants are guilty of introducing us to ridiculous concoctions, most of these foods are put together by regular folks like you and me.  What drives one to create a hot mess of a recipe?

The Pizza Cone

This crazy idea gained popularity in Brazil, Portugal, and Italy, when a banker thought it would be a brilliant idea to introduce it to the fattest country in the world.  Did you hear that?  The fattest country in the world!  People are so excited that some are saying "You can totally walk with it, and you don't have the oil dripping all over you."  Key words: Oil and Dripping.  I guess it isn't such a crazy idea, it's a hit in Manhattan, New York.

The Fat Elvis

Really?  We all know Elvis was fat in his later years, but do we need to be reminded why he died.  I mean... this sandwich is stuffed with butter, peanut butter, bananas, bacon, honey and confectioner's sugar.  Not only will you become diabetic, but you'll collapse while cooking this shit.

The Spamsicle

Who the hell created this monstrosity?  Seriously? If I wanted some type of "sicle" in my menu, it definitely wouldn't be a deep fried piece of processed meat.  And with the beaten eggs, seasoned flour, and Japanese bread crumbs added you'll have enough carbs to last for the rest of year, if not your life.  So much for your Atkins diet.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Will Make You Fat - Issue No. 18

Ooooh, check out all the yummy goodness below.  Isn't your mouth salivating over these fine foods that will make you fat?  My tummy is screaming for them right now.  If it's not, you and your tummy have issues. 

I mean, who wouldn't want to eat something titled "Deep Fried Cheese-Stuffed Portabello Mushroom Cheeseburger"?

Ultimate Snack Stadium

Go ahead and call a doctor so that he can be on hand when I collapse on the floor from eating all those damn twinkies.  The stadium comes complete with Slim Jim goalposts, reservoirs of queso and salsa for the end zones, fans made from assorted snack foods and the stadium itself constructed from 58 Twinkies.

Deep Fried Cheese-Stuffed Portabello Mushroom Cheeseburger

Say that 5 times, quickly! Do it now! Geezus...  Who doesn't like anything stuffed?  I know you gay boys do :-) he he.  Seriously, it's true, you're not stuffed between two gorgeous guys like you dreamed it could be, instead you have a big ass mushroom stuffed with cheese, stuffed between two beef patties smothered in cheese, stuffed between a huge hamburger bun dripping with cheese.  It's a heart-clogging cheese galore!

Tater Tots with Cheese Extravaganza

Ahhhh, the lovely tater tots with cheese.  But these aren't you're regular "Sonic" tater tots with cheese, these are tots smothered in cheddar and mozarella cheeses, covered in Jalapeno's with bits of tomatoes and some black olives.  Throw on some sour cream and salsa, and you have you're next regurgitated meal!  Okay, I've had enough.

YES!  THESE FOODS WILL MAKE YOU FAT!

Foods That Make You Cringe - Issue No. 12

LOL, why is it that it takes me almost a month to post an issue of, "Foods That Make You Cringe"?  I think it's because the food is either disgusting or too scrumptious for me to post each week.

Pulled Pork & Mashed Potato Parfait

Found online via Porky’s BBQ

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake

Found online via The Cheesecake Factory

The Corndog-Egg

Found online via Google

Foods That Make You Cringe - Issue No. 11

For my 11th issue of 'Foods That Make You Cringe,' we have three appealing cuisines you'd definitely want to try at home.  I can feel my mouth water already.

The Melt Challenge

Five pound grilled cheese with13 different cheeses, 3 slices of grilled bread served with french fries and slaw.

Chocolate Covered Twinkies

Deep Fried Milky Ways

Foods That Make You Cringe - Issue No. 10

For my 10th issue of 'Foods That Make You Cringe,' I bring you two yummy desserts courtesy of the Cadbury Easter bunny.  A delicious "Cadbury Egg Cupcake" and a "Deep-fried Cadbury Egg" oozing with delicious cream filling.  Happy Easter! 

Cadbury Egg Cupcake

Deep-fried Cadbury Egg

These images are a courtesy from the book, "This Is Why Your Fat," which only proves that people will eat the craziest crap.